Agape Love Through Caregiving
by Tambra Breyer
In 2023 there were at least 53 million family caregivers in the United States. The simple definition of a caregiver is someone who tends to the needs of another person with short- or long-term limitations due to illness, injury or disability. While that definition above is technically correct, it does not begin to describe the requirements of a caregiver. Family caregivers, including friends or neighbors, are unpaid though many hold part-time or full-time jobs in addition to caregiving. Yet many caregivers need to take a leave of absence or quit work entirely to provide the level of care required by their loved one. Caregiving requires strength, both emotional and often physical. It requires stamina. Most of all it requires love- the kind of love that is referred to in the Bible as agape. Agape love is selfless and unconditional. It requires commitment, sacrifice and faithfulness, while expecting nothing in return.
No two caregiving situations are the same, yet there are some commonalities among many situations. Caregivers are often faced with misconceptions, exhaustion and grief daily. To better understand how to support caregivers, the Southwest Church Care Ministry surveyed several present caregivers in the church. After all, as Christians, we are all called to agape love, and our caregivers need and deserve to be poured into as they are pouring out to their loved one.
Misconceptions
If you have never been a caregiver, it is easy to misunderstand or minimize the role of the caregiver. Some common misconceptions our caregivers come across include the belief that caregiving must be a burden or obligation, that it’s not a real job, or that they have it all figured out. While love is at the core rather than obligation, caregiving is hard work, and every day often presents new challenges to navigate. Caregiving rarely fits into a convenient schedule. It is a 24 hours a day, 7 days a week endeavor in which the needs of their loved one supersede everything else, including sleep. This can make it difficult for someone else to step in to help for a couple of reasons. As one caregiver mentioned, “When someone asks me how they can help, I don’t know! I’m just focused on the day.” For others, caregiving requires a high-level skill set that has been learned over a period of months or years. Either way, it is far more complex than “getting some help and taking some ‘me’ time” as was the advice to one of our caregivers.
Exhaustion
Some caregivers are able to ease into the role gradually (aging parent), while for others it is a jarring event that has thrown them into the deep end of caregiving overnight. In either case, life becomes radically different. As one caregiver recounts, “It’s a 24/7 job. No days off. You have to care on weekends, holidays, in the middle of the night, even when you are sick, and when you are angry with each other.” Physical exhaustion is easy to understand and relatively easy to spot. Harder to see is the emotional and mental exhaustion common in caregivers. Emotionally it is hard to see your loved one go through difficult and even painful therapies, appointments, and even just everyday life. Added on top of that is the roller coaster of progress and setbacks. Then there is the mental exhaustion (for both the caregiver and the loved one) which comes from the sheer volume of tasks to keep track of every day. There can also be frustration in communicating. And perhaps the isolation from others takes the biggest emotional toll on caregivers. As one caregiver said, “Family and friends tend to shy away from including us in activities. I think the assumption is that we can’t; however it would still be nice to be considered.” Another caregiver echoed that sentiment saying, “A family member made a suggestion of a family outing, but never considered that our loved one couldn’t attend due to lack of accommodations.”
Finally, there is an element of spiritual exhaustion. It may seem difficult to understand this one, especially since many caregivers at Southwest Church are active and participating in the life of the church. This is a hard-fought choice because it is easier to not go through the physical effort of coming out of their homes. It is a choice to worship a loving God while seeing the suffering in front of them daily. It is a choice to focus on the hope of Jesus while sometimes seeing hopelessness in their situation. These caregivers are spiritual warriors who may also become battle weary.
Daily Griefs
Many people, and sometimes even caregivers themselves, do not recognize the layers of grief they experience daily. This grief comes in two forms: anticipatory grief and secondary losses. Anticipatory grief is the type of grief that happens before a loss, or in anticipation of the loss. This is often felt by caregivers of elderly parents or a spouse but can also happen in the early stages of a progressive illness. There is also grief that occurs every time a different loss is recognized whether that is loss of freedom or independence (driving, walking, etc.), loss of physical functioning, or loss of a dream (anniversary milestone, children, etc.). Those losses are called secondary losses and come because of the primary loss. Secondary losses tend to unfold and are recognized over time. The hard truth for caregivers is that grief and loss are ever present while closure (for most) is elusive.
There is Joy
For all the hard days, months, and even years, there is joy to be found in caregiving. Every smile, hug, or gesture of appreciation brings great joy. The relationships with those who have stuck with the caregivers (both family and friends) are deeper and more joy filled than circumstantial happiness would have likely produced. And then there is the celebration of the small things: every incremental improvement is worthy of celebration. Caregivers get a front row seat to witness prayers answered and even miracles happen, and they don’t take that for granted.
It is safe to say that few people expect to be caregivers. Yet they rise to the task out of selfless love. The question to the rest of us is this: How can we demonstrate agape love and pour into the caregivers in our life as they pour out to the loved ones in theirs?
No two caregiving situations are the same, yet there are some commonalities among many situations. Caregivers are often faced with misconceptions, exhaustion and grief daily. To better understand how to support caregivers, the Southwest Church Care Ministry surveyed several present caregivers in the church. After all, as Christians, we are all called to agape love, and our caregivers need and deserve to be poured into as they are pouring out to their loved one.
Misconceptions
If you have never been a caregiver, it is easy to misunderstand or minimize the role of the caregiver. Some common misconceptions our caregivers come across include the belief that caregiving must be a burden or obligation, that it’s not a real job, or that they have it all figured out. While love is at the core rather than obligation, caregiving is hard work, and every day often presents new challenges to navigate. Caregiving rarely fits into a convenient schedule. It is a 24 hours a day, 7 days a week endeavor in which the needs of their loved one supersede everything else, including sleep. This can make it difficult for someone else to step in to help for a couple of reasons. As one caregiver mentioned, “When someone asks me how they can help, I don’t know! I’m just focused on the day.” For others, caregiving requires a high-level skill set that has been learned over a period of months or years. Either way, it is far more complex than “getting some help and taking some ‘me’ time” as was the advice to one of our caregivers.
Exhaustion
Some caregivers are able to ease into the role gradually (aging parent), while for others it is a jarring event that has thrown them into the deep end of caregiving overnight. In either case, life becomes radically different. As one caregiver recounts, “It’s a 24/7 job. No days off. You have to care on weekends, holidays, in the middle of the night, even when you are sick, and when you are angry with each other.” Physical exhaustion is easy to understand and relatively easy to spot. Harder to see is the emotional and mental exhaustion common in caregivers. Emotionally it is hard to see your loved one go through difficult and even painful therapies, appointments, and even just everyday life. Added on top of that is the roller coaster of progress and setbacks. Then there is the mental exhaustion (for both the caregiver and the loved one) which comes from the sheer volume of tasks to keep track of every day. There can also be frustration in communicating. And perhaps the isolation from others takes the biggest emotional toll on caregivers. As one caregiver said, “Family and friends tend to shy away from including us in activities. I think the assumption is that we can’t; however it would still be nice to be considered.” Another caregiver echoed that sentiment saying, “A family member made a suggestion of a family outing, but never considered that our loved one couldn’t attend due to lack of accommodations.”
Finally, there is an element of spiritual exhaustion. It may seem difficult to understand this one, especially since many caregivers at Southwest Church are active and participating in the life of the church. This is a hard-fought choice because it is easier to not go through the physical effort of coming out of their homes. It is a choice to worship a loving God while seeing the suffering in front of them daily. It is a choice to focus on the hope of Jesus while sometimes seeing hopelessness in their situation. These caregivers are spiritual warriors who may also become battle weary.
Daily Griefs
Many people, and sometimes even caregivers themselves, do not recognize the layers of grief they experience daily. This grief comes in two forms: anticipatory grief and secondary losses. Anticipatory grief is the type of grief that happens before a loss, or in anticipation of the loss. This is often felt by caregivers of elderly parents or a spouse but can also happen in the early stages of a progressive illness. There is also grief that occurs every time a different loss is recognized whether that is loss of freedom or independence (driving, walking, etc.), loss of physical functioning, or loss of a dream (anniversary milestone, children, etc.). Those losses are called secondary losses and come because of the primary loss. Secondary losses tend to unfold and are recognized over time. The hard truth for caregivers is that grief and loss are ever present while closure (for most) is elusive.
There is Joy
For all the hard days, months, and even years, there is joy to be found in caregiving. Every smile, hug, or gesture of appreciation brings great joy. The relationships with those who have stuck with the caregivers (both family and friends) are deeper and more joy filled than circumstantial happiness would have likely produced. And then there is the celebration of the small things: every incremental improvement is worthy of celebration. Caregivers get a front row seat to witness prayers answered and even miracles happen, and they don’t take that for granted.
It is safe to say that few people expect to be caregivers. Yet they rise to the task out of selfless love. The question to the rest of us is this: How can we demonstrate agape love and pour into the caregivers in our life as they pour out to the loved ones in theirs?