The Christmas season is here. That means family traditions, gatherings, gifts, cards and good cheer. For those who are grieving, all those things heighten the loss and emptiness. The empty chair. The empty stocking. The Christmas card with the name of someone who is no longer here. Grieving people often approach the holidays with dread, or at the very least, uncertainty. Honesty says that this will be a different Christmas season. There is no way around it. Still, with a little bit of planning and awareness, the Christmas season can also bring a newness in perspective and appreciation for all the season is meant to be.

Plan Ahead
The dread and uncertainty of the Christmas season for someone grieving is understandable. However, avoiding the reality of the season or winging it will inevitably cause more problems and heartache. Here are some practical things to consider as you prepare for the Christmas season:

• Surround yourself with safe people who will lift you up, listen without judgment, and encourage you. Avoid those who will rush you in your grief or avoid tearful conversations.
• Ask for help with the decorating and decide what is most meaningful to have out. It’s ok if decorating is different, pared down, or non-existent this year.
• Simplify holiday meals and baking. Consider having other people bring dishes to share or allowing someone else to host. Purchase premade cookie dough to bake or even skip the baking altogether.
• Allow yourself the flexibility to stay or leave based on how you feel. Let the host know that you might change your mind or need to leave early.
• Create a script to how you will respond to questions. The simple question of “How are you?” is one you will hear frequently and can be hard to answer. Preparing a standard response helps to relieve some anxiety and awkwardness.
• Talk about your loved one and share a special holiday memory. Others may not want to bring them up for fear of making you upset.
• Decide ahead of time to extend grace and forgiveness when someone says something less than helpful.

Tend to Your Needs
In the best of circumstances, the Christmas season can bring stress which can take a toll on us physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. After all God created us with a body, heart, mind and soul. For someone who is grieving, it is doubly important to tend to each component to remain healthy and whole through the remainder of the year and even into January.

Physically. Remember that your battery is not at 100%. Grief does that. Not only can it make you more tired than typical, grief also makes you more accident prone (statistics prove this). Take a slower pace than you think you need, short naps if you can, and pay close attention to your footing as you are putting up decorations or carrying gifts.

Emotionally. Grieving brings a wide range of emotions. Those emotions are unpredictable and often come at inopportune times. It is important to give yourself the space to feel these emotions. Step away from what you are doing, if necessary, but never feel ashamed or embarrassed about your tears or sorrow. View them as a measure of the love that remains and a reminder that your loss is significant. Take time to talk about your disappointments, emotions, and stresses with a trusted friend or Stephen Minister.

Mentally. The mental health of someone grieving is likely to be compromised, especially at Christmas. Anxiety, depression and loneliness can all get heightened and protecting your mental health requires intention. It is helpful to take one commitment at a time and maintain healthy boundaries. Avoid the extremes between doing too much (remember your battery is lower than usual) and isolating yourself from the people who love you. Remember to give yourself the grace to leave at any moment you need.

Spiritually. It is easy to overlook the spiritual health of someone grieving. Honest, raw questions and feelings toward God often remain locked inside a grieving person. As a Christian, it can be difficult to reconcile a merciful God who sent His son to save humanity with the God who did not intervene to save their loved one. The beauty of a God who is willing to sacrifice His only son, Jesus, so that He can have an intimate and personal relationship with you, is that you can come to Him personally and intimately. You do not need to have the right words to talk to Him. You simply need to rest in Him. It is the best gift you can give and/or get this Christmas season.

Open Your Heart
You may have to give up things you think you should do, things you always do, and/or even things you love. Changing things up this year does not mean it has to be a permanent change. It is a way to give yourself grace and approach the Christmas season in a way that is manageable. There are some traditions you may realize were never your favorite, while others will be missed and brought back around next year.

This is also a time when new memories and traditions can be created. If the thought of an empty stocking is too difficult to bear, consider donating or serving at an organization that was meaningful to your loved one. Maybe this is the year to take a trip someplace else instead of staying home for Christmas. Open your heart to new possibilities. Open your heart, perhaps in a new way, to what the Christmas season is all about. Open your heart to Jesus.

Source: GriefShare Surviving the Holidays. Church Initiative, 2023.