Holiday Strategies for
Messy Relationships
by Tambra Breyer
The holiday season is coming up soon which often brings a mixed bag of emotions: excitement, joy, anxiety, and dread, just to name a few. It can also bring a mixed bag of people. Some we see often and some we see rarely. Some relationships nourish our soul, and others leave us empty and depleted. People are imperfect so it follows that relationships are imperfect. This leaves us with family gatherings, work parties, and neighborhood get-togethers that either fill us, or drain us. In fact, many gatherings do both, all within a two-hour time-frame, depending on who is in closest proximity to you at any given moment.
God’s Design for Relationships
Before getting into the “how do I navigate that person” question, let’s look at God’s intent and design for relationships first. After God had formed and filled the earth, he created the first man whom he named Adam. He then placed Adam in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it (Gen. 2:15). For the first time, instead of reading, “God saw that it was good,” we read that something is not good. In Genesis 2:18, God said that “It is not good for the man to be alone.” God then said, “I will make a helper suitable for him.” The term helper suitable, in Hebrew is ezer kenegdo. The Hebrew word ezer is defined as “one who helps”, and this is not a passive or suggestive kind of help. It represents help in distress like a warrior. When used elsewhere in the Bible, the word ezer almost always refers to God as the source of help. The word kenegdo refers to someone who “corresponds to” and denotes an eye-to-eye equality: different but equal. Only after God created a helper suitable for Adam, an ezer kenegdo, did God declare all he had made to be very good (Gen. 1:31). This visual can be particularly helpful during the holidays when we may not be able to choose who is sitting next to us around the table. We may not see eye-to-eye with everyone in our sphere. Yet, God also gave us ezers who will look us in the eye and contend for us. That is God’s original design for relationships.
Plan Ahead
Still, because we are all flawed humans, it is important to have to some solid strategies going into the holiday season so that wherever we go we can reflect the likeness of God and shine God’s light. Even to that person. Benjamin Franklin once said, “If you fail to plan, you are preparing to fail.” One of the biggest mistakes going into the holiday season is that many people over-do because they commit piece-by-piece instead of looking at the season as a whole. People often have a financial budget during the holidays so they don’t overspend, and keep a calendar so they don’t overbook their time. It’s equally important to recognize that, as humans, we also have an emotional capacity and need to budget that accordingly. So, as you are budgeting your money and your time, make sure to budget your emotional energy as well by asking yourself some hard questions:
By evaluating all opportunities, invitations, and expectations ahead of time, knowing why you are saying yes or no, it is possible to navigate draining events and/or difficult people while remaining healthy and whole.
Establish Boundaries
If you have considered the questions above, you may already realize that you need to give up some things this year. You may have to give up things you think you should do, things you always do, and even things you love - even if it’s just for this season. Setting boundaries ahead of time, can help navigate all of the “shoulds” and “always” of the season. Boundaries will help you be more present in the places and with the people you choose and actually serve to enhance the quality of relationships you have.
If you are not used to saying “no” it will take some practice. Aim for progress over perfection. Also realize that not everyone will be happy with the boundaries you set. While it is important to own your decision/boundary, it’s also ok to be flexible and adjust as needed. Note that boundaries are not intended to replace honest, difficult dialog, nor are they an excuse for being conflict avoidant. Boundaries do, however, help us navigate difficult situations and people so that we can remain emotionally healthy and able to maintain a posture of love.
Know Your Enemy
So, what do you do when you can’t get out of a party or event that you know will drain you or even cause emotional harm? This could be a gift exchange party during the work day where you have a different set of morals than your co-workers, or a family gathering where a relative who makes you feel extremely uneasy shows up unexpectedly. It’s important to realize that the person who drains you, makes you uncomfortable, or even makes you angry; that person is not the actual enemy. Our enemy is the same enemy that disrupted and fractured the first human relationship. And that enemy has been trying to create chaos in relationships ever since. Just as God set boundaries for Adam and Eve, we are allowed and encouraged to set boundaries with others. Yet God never treated Adam and Eve as the enemy. God knows who the enemy is and it’s something we must never forget as well.
God’s Design for Relationships
Before getting into the “how do I navigate that person” question, let’s look at God’s intent and design for relationships first. After God had formed and filled the earth, he created the first man whom he named Adam. He then placed Adam in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it (Gen. 2:15). For the first time, instead of reading, “God saw that it was good,” we read that something is not good. In Genesis 2:18, God said that “It is not good for the man to be alone.” God then said, “I will make a helper suitable for him.” The term helper suitable, in Hebrew is ezer kenegdo. The Hebrew word ezer is defined as “one who helps”, and this is not a passive or suggestive kind of help. It represents help in distress like a warrior. When used elsewhere in the Bible, the word ezer almost always refers to God as the source of help. The word kenegdo refers to someone who “corresponds to” and denotes an eye-to-eye equality: different but equal. Only after God created a helper suitable for Adam, an ezer kenegdo, did God declare all he had made to be very good (Gen. 1:31). This visual can be particularly helpful during the holidays when we may not be able to choose who is sitting next to us around the table. We may not see eye-to-eye with everyone in our sphere. Yet, God also gave us ezers who will look us in the eye and contend for us. That is God’s original design for relationships.
Plan Ahead
Still, because we are all flawed humans, it is important to have to some solid strategies going into the holiday season so that wherever we go we can reflect the likeness of God and shine God’s light. Even to that person. Benjamin Franklin once said, “If you fail to plan, you are preparing to fail.” One of the biggest mistakes going into the holiday season is that many people over-do because they commit piece-by-piece instead of looking at the season as a whole. People often have a financial budget during the holidays so they don’t overspend, and keep a calendar so they don’t overbook their time. It’s equally important to recognize that, as humans, we also have an emotional capacity and need to budget that accordingly. So, as you are budgeting your money and your time, make sure to budget your emotional energy as well by asking yourself some hard questions:
- Will this be a life-giving event, or will it drain me?
- If it is draining, am I committing for the right reasons (such as family)?
- Does saying “yes” bring resentment or discomfort?
- Do I have other events that will serve to refill my emotional tank?
- Am I afraid of missing out or defaulting to people-pleasing? These are rarely good reasons to say “yes” to a draining event.
- Will there be at least one person that is an ezer for me? We can handle many awkward conversations if we sense that even one person is for us.
By evaluating all opportunities, invitations, and expectations ahead of time, knowing why you are saying yes or no, it is possible to navigate draining events and/or difficult people while remaining healthy and whole.
Establish Boundaries
If you have considered the questions above, you may already realize that you need to give up some things this year. You may have to give up things you think you should do, things you always do, and even things you love - even if it’s just for this season. Setting boundaries ahead of time, can help navigate all of the “shoulds” and “always” of the season. Boundaries will help you be more present in the places and with the people you choose and actually serve to enhance the quality of relationships you have.
If you are not used to saying “no” it will take some practice. Aim for progress over perfection. Also realize that not everyone will be happy with the boundaries you set. While it is important to own your decision/boundary, it’s also ok to be flexible and adjust as needed. Note that boundaries are not intended to replace honest, difficult dialog, nor are they an excuse for being conflict avoidant. Boundaries do, however, help us navigate difficult situations and people so that we can remain emotionally healthy and able to maintain a posture of love.
Know Your Enemy
So, what do you do when you can’t get out of a party or event that you know will drain you or even cause emotional harm? This could be a gift exchange party during the work day where you have a different set of morals than your co-workers, or a family gathering where a relative who makes you feel extremely uneasy shows up unexpectedly. It’s important to realize that the person who drains you, makes you uncomfortable, or even makes you angry; that person is not the actual enemy. Our enemy is the same enemy that disrupted and fractured the first human relationship. And that enemy has been trying to create chaos in relationships ever since. Just as God set boundaries for Adam and Eve, we are allowed and encouraged to set boundaries with others. Yet God never treated Adam and Eve as the enemy. God knows who the enemy is and it’s something we must never forget as well.