Spotlight on Grief
By Tambra Bryer
Suffering is not something that we, as humans, like to befriend. It's hard enough to sit with someone else who is suffering (hello, friends of Job), let alone go through it ourselves. Grief and suffering go hand-in-hand, and the only way to get to the other side of grief is to go through it. Some people may try to go around it and others may try to outrun their grief. The Southwest Church Stephen Ministers receive training on how to minister to those who are grieving. In that training, Dr. Kenneth Haugk describes the "three N's"of grief; Grief is normal, it's natural, and it's necessary.
Phases of Grief
When talking about grief, it’s common to think of the five stages of grief presented by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. Those five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) were actually written for the person who is facing a terminal illness such as cancer. There are other, perhaps more appropriate models of grief that are helpful whether you are helping someone else or navigating your own journey through grief. In her book Living at Peace with Loss, June Hunt describes three phases of grief: Crisis, Crucible, and Contentment. Stephen Ministry takes a similar approach naming the three phases as Shock, Recoil, and Rebuilding.
Shock
In the Shock or Crisis phase, there is something like a fog that rolls in and seems to penetrate inside the grieving person. Some people describe it as a detached feeling while others describe that fog as feeling numb or dazed. There is often a sense of disbelief such as a sense of “this can’t be happening.” There will also be some physical symptoms such as sleeplessness, appetite loss, digestive issues. I believe this phase of one God’s most profound mercies. He knows that a human can only bear a certain amount of pain. The Shock phase blocks the deepest pain, much like an anesthetic, until a person is more prepared to handle that pain. This is why you might see some people at funerals who appear to be calm. They are still in shock. This phase can last from a few minutes to several days depending on the circumstances of the death.
Recoil
The Recoil or Crucible phase, is marked by a wide range of intense emotions including anger, anxiety, overwhelming sadness/depression, loneliness, and bitterness to name just a few. This is also the time when feelings of guilt and regret surface as well as some self-pity. Grieving people might tend to turn inward and isolate themselves during this time and they face these difficult feelings. This Recoil phase is actually when support is needed most. In fact, the some of the most intense feelings of grief can come in the 6 to 18 month time span after their loved one died. Coincidentally, this is also when many of their family and friends have gone back to their normal lives. A Stephen Minister is a great option to help a grieving person process those strong emotions that circle around during this phase. Many people also find GriefShare to be particularly helpful with processing emotions in a group setting.
Rebuilding
While many emotions associated with grief remain for quite a while, over time the intensity of those emotions becomes less extreme and the “grief waves” occur less frequently. The grieving person begins, bit by bit, begins to adjust to a new normal. In a Journeying Through Grief booklet we read,
"In one sense we begin rebuilding our lives the moment a loved one dies. But rebuilding doesn’t begin in earnest until we’ve sifted through the majority of the feelings, memories, and issues that resulted from our loss. Only then do we have the strength and footing to begin putting our whole self back into daily life and looking to the future. Rebuilding doesn’t mean your life goes back to exactly what it was before - life can never be the same because of the loss you’ve experienced. Rebuilding means picking up the pieces and putting them together again, but probably in a very different way because a significant piece of your life is missing and cannot be replaced."
In the Rebuilding or Contentment phase, a grieving person begins to experience new patterns for living, a new hope for the future and a new purpose in life. There is often a greater dependence on the Lord, greater humility before others, and greater compassion toward others. Rebuilding means the loss is not so much left behind, but absorbed in a way that carries their loved one forward with them.
If you know someone who is grieving, one of the best things you can do for them is remember them and check in often; past the first “milestones”. Your ministry of presence is a gift to another person. Recommend GriefShare or a Stephen Minister. With time and support, hope, healing, and purpose can and will be found.
1 June Hunt, Living at Peace with Loss (Dallas: Hope for the Heart, 2006), 23-24
2 Kenneth C. Haugk, Journeying Through Grief, Book 4: Rebuilding and Remembering (St. Louis: Stephen Ministries, 2004), 16-17
Phases of Grief
When talking about grief, it’s common to think of the five stages of grief presented by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. Those five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) were actually written for the person who is facing a terminal illness such as cancer. There are other, perhaps more appropriate models of grief that are helpful whether you are helping someone else or navigating your own journey through grief. In her book Living at Peace with Loss, June Hunt describes three phases of grief: Crisis, Crucible, and Contentment. Stephen Ministry takes a similar approach naming the three phases as Shock, Recoil, and Rebuilding.
Shock
In the Shock or Crisis phase, there is something like a fog that rolls in and seems to penetrate inside the grieving person. Some people describe it as a detached feeling while others describe that fog as feeling numb or dazed. There is often a sense of disbelief such as a sense of “this can’t be happening.” There will also be some physical symptoms such as sleeplessness, appetite loss, digestive issues. I believe this phase of one God’s most profound mercies. He knows that a human can only bear a certain amount of pain. The Shock phase blocks the deepest pain, much like an anesthetic, until a person is more prepared to handle that pain. This is why you might see some people at funerals who appear to be calm. They are still in shock. This phase can last from a few minutes to several days depending on the circumstances of the death.
Recoil
The Recoil or Crucible phase, is marked by a wide range of intense emotions including anger, anxiety, overwhelming sadness/depression, loneliness, and bitterness to name just a few. This is also the time when feelings of guilt and regret surface as well as some self-pity. Grieving people might tend to turn inward and isolate themselves during this time and they face these difficult feelings. This Recoil phase is actually when support is needed most. In fact, the some of the most intense feelings of grief can come in the 6 to 18 month time span after their loved one died. Coincidentally, this is also when many of their family and friends have gone back to their normal lives. A Stephen Minister is a great option to help a grieving person process those strong emotions that circle around during this phase. Many people also find GriefShare to be particularly helpful with processing emotions in a group setting.
Rebuilding
While many emotions associated with grief remain for quite a while, over time the intensity of those emotions becomes less extreme and the “grief waves” occur less frequently. The grieving person begins, bit by bit, begins to adjust to a new normal. In a Journeying Through Grief booklet we read,
"In one sense we begin rebuilding our lives the moment a loved one dies. But rebuilding doesn’t begin in earnest until we’ve sifted through the majority of the feelings, memories, and issues that resulted from our loss. Only then do we have the strength and footing to begin putting our whole self back into daily life and looking to the future. Rebuilding doesn’t mean your life goes back to exactly what it was before - life can never be the same because of the loss you’ve experienced. Rebuilding means picking up the pieces and putting them together again, but probably in a very different way because a significant piece of your life is missing and cannot be replaced."
In the Rebuilding or Contentment phase, a grieving person begins to experience new patterns for living, a new hope for the future and a new purpose in life. There is often a greater dependence on the Lord, greater humility before others, and greater compassion toward others. Rebuilding means the loss is not so much left behind, but absorbed in a way that carries their loved one forward with them.
If you know someone who is grieving, one of the best things you can do for them is remember them and check in often; past the first “milestones”. Your ministry of presence is a gift to another person. Recommend GriefShare or a Stephen Minister. With time and support, hope, healing, and purpose can and will be found.
1 June Hunt, Living at Peace with Loss (Dallas: Hope for the Heart, 2006), 23-24
2 Kenneth C. Haugk, Journeying Through Grief, Book 4: Rebuilding and Remembering (St. Louis: Stephen Ministries, 2004), 16-17