Talk, Talk, Talk
by Tambra Breyer
There is a saying that “talk is cheap.” The implication is that the words must be followed by actions that serve to reinforce the words spoken, which is true. Yet, talking itself is invaluable. It sets the tone of a relationship and is required for someone to truly feel safe in a relationship. In fact, words spoken throughout the Bible, especially in the context of relationship, have been the source of both great joy and the downfall of mankind (Gen 3:12-13). Recall that God didn’t motion creation into existence; He spoke it into existence. While talk must be followed with correlating action, Jesus was clear about being held accountable for our words:
“But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned” (Matt. 12:36-37).
There are many ways to use our words in the context of relationships and because we are human, we don’t do this perfectly, or sometimes even well. Yet, the closer the relationship, the more weight and power our words carry. In Proverbs 18:21 we read, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.” Clearly talk is not cheap: it is as valuable as life itself. Therefore, it is important to fully understand how to talk to others in a way that accomplishes the intended purpose, does so in a manner that builds others up, and serves to glorify God.
Small Talk
One underrated form of talk is small talk. According to Oxford’s English Dictionary, small talk is defined as polite conversation about unimportant or uncontroversial matters. The main purpose of small talk is to find a connection point. This is why small talk often occurs between two people who are just getting to know each other, whether it be two high-profile business leaders or two people on a first date. Unfortunately, small talk can also be the dominate communication style in a marriage where the couple feels more like roommates, which can happen at any point in a marriage. However, it can also be the main way some couples communicate in highly contentious marriages. Small talk may simply feel safer than tackling the same high-conflict topics that can cloud significant relationships, such as a marriage, close family relationships or business partners. Yet, small talk can be used positively in high-conflict relationships when used strategically. As the definition states, by beginning with something uncontroversial, two people can begin with a connection point. The important thing to remember is that connection point must serve as the bridge to begin resolving the deeper and pressing issues.
Heart Talk
Heart talk is emotion oriented in nature. Each individual experiences and acts upon their emotions differently, so it can be hard to understand someone’s emotional state simply by observing. Even if you can observe that someone is upset, fully understanding why someone is so upset requires more than observation; it requires discussion. In their book 9 Lies That Will Destroy Your Marriage, Robert Paul and Gary Smalley have this to say about Heart Talk, “it’s about sharing the deepest part of yourself with another person. The substance of Heart Talk is feelings; the goal of Heart Talk is closeness and intimacy. When done well, it leads to a profound experience of connection and bonding.” If the relationship in question is business in nature, Heart Talk may be optional. However, if the relationship is a husband and wife, or other close family members, Heart Talk may be some of the most important conversations two people can have.
The essence of Heart Talk is this: one person shares their feelings about something. A little context may be helpful, but the center of attention is on the feelings, not what caused the feelings. It may sound something like, “when _____ happens, I feel _____.” For the speaker, the focus should be on identifying, caring about, and understanding the feeling, not casting blame. The goal for the listener is the same; identifying, caring about, and understanding the feeling, not trying to excuse or fix the circumstance. According to Paul & Smalley, “Once the speaker feels heard, understood, and cared for, you switch roles and proceed until they both feel heard, understood, and cared for. It's really that simple.”
It is worth noting that Heart Talk works best in an environment that is safe and secure. When a person feels safe physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, their hearts will feel safe and naturally open up. When the opposite is true, human tendency is to shut down and self-protect. To achieve the best possible outcome, work on active listening skills and choose the time, place, and duration of the discussion that will lead to the greatest opportunity for a successful conversation.
Work Talk
Work talk is what takes place when two people discuss plans, work out logistics, or navigate conflict. It is action oriented in nature. Work Talk requires the understanding that you are both on the same team, working toward a solution that both parties feel good about. As Paul & Smalley say it, “You win together or you lose together.” They continue, “You can’t avoid conflict, but you must avoid fighting if you want your marriage to survive and thrive.” The same is true in any important relationship. As you adopt the “No Losers” policy, begin to Heart Talk the issue in order to fully understand the feelings and perspective of the other person. After fully understanding each other, the next step is to pray together for unity. Paul & Smalley state, “The wonderful benefit here is that as soon as you pray together for God’s help, you’ve already restored unity, even prior to finding a win-win solution.” After seeking the Lord’s guidance and wisdom, both parties can begin to brainstorm some options, even some that may seem pretty “out there.” Once a list of options has been created one option can be chosen that you both feel good about. Then try it out, remembering that just because something sounds good on paper, doesn’t mean it will play out that way practically. It is only a good solution if both parties feel as though it was a win-win solution, rather than a compromise. It is as simple as checking back in (Heart Talk is great for this) and reworking the solution if necessary.
In Mark 3:25 Jesus said, “If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand.” Regardless of whether you are engaging in Heart Talk, Work Talk or even small talk, the goal is always to foster connectedness working to enhance the level of safety and security in the relationship. While this is vital for marriages, every relationship that requires any level of understanding can benefit from the principles listed.
Source: Paul, Robert & Smalley, Greg. 9 Lies That Will Destroy Your Marriage And The Truths That Will Save It And Set It Free. Focus on the Family, 2020.
“But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned” (Matt. 12:36-37).
There are many ways to use our words in the context of relationships and because we are human, we don’t do this perfectly, or sometimes even well. Yet, the closer the relationship, the more weight and power our words carry. In Proverbs 18:21 we read, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.” Clearly talk is not cheap: it is as valuable as life itself. Therefore, it is important to fully understand how to talk to others in a way that accomplishes the intended purpose, does so in a manner that builds others up, and serves to glorify God.
Small Talk
One underrated form of talk is small talk. According to Oxford’s English Dictionary, small talk is defined as polite conversation about unimportant or uncontroversial matters. The main purpose of small talk is to find a connection point. This is why small talk often occurs between two people who are just getting to know each other, whether it be two high-profile business leaders or two people on a first date. Unfortunately, small talk can also be the dominate communication style in a marriage where the couple feels more like roommates, which can happen at any point in a marriage. However, it can also be the main way some couples communicate in highly contentious marriages. Small talk may simply feel safer than tackling the same high-conflict topics that can cloud significant relationships, such as a marriage, close family relationships or business partners. Yet, small talk can be used positively in high-conflict relationships when used strategically. As the definition states, by beginning with something uncontroversial, two people can begin with a connection point. The important thing to remember is that connection point must serve as the bridge to begin resolving the deeper and pressing issues.
Heart Talk
Heart talk is emotion oriented in nature. Each individual experiences and acts upon their emotions differently, so it can be hard to understand someone’s emotional state simply by observing. Even if you can observe that someone is upset, fully understanding why someone is so upset requires more than observation; it requires discussion. In their book 9 Lies That Will Destroy Your Marriage, Robert Paul and Gary Smalley have this to say about Heart Talk, “it’s about sharing the deepest part of yourself with another person. The substance of Heart Talk is feelings; the goal of Heart Talk is closeness and intimacy. When done well, it leads to a profound experience of connection and bonding.” If the relationship in question is business in nature, Heart Talk may be optional. However, if the relationship is a husband and wife, or other close family members, Heart Talk may be some of the most important conversations two people can have.
The essence of Heart Talk is this: one person shares their feelings about something. A little context may be helpful, but the center of attention is on the feelings, not what caused the feelings. It may sound something like, “when _____ happens, I feel _____.” For the speaker, the focus should be on identifying, caring about, and understanding the feeling, not casting blame. The goal for the listener is the same; identifying, caring about, and understanding the feeling, not trying to excuse or fix the circumstance. According to Paul & Smalley, “Once the speaker feels heard, understood, and cared for, you switch roles and proceed until they both feel heard, understood, and cared for. It's really that simple.”
It is worth noting that Heart Talk works best in an environment that is safe and secure. When a person feels safe physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, their hearts will feel safe and naturally open up. When the opposite is true, human tendency is to shut down and self-protect. To achieve the best possible outcome, work on active listening skills and choose the time, place, and duration of the discussion that will lead to the greatest opportunity for a successful conversation.
Work Talk
Work talk is what takes place when two people discuss plans, work out logistics, or navigate conflict. It is action oriented in nature. Work Talk requires the understanding that you are both on the same team, working toward a solution that both parties feel good about. As Paul & Smalley say it, “You win together or you lose together.” They continue, “You can’t avoid conflict, but you must avoid fighting if you want your marriage to survive and thrive.” The same is true in any important relationship. As you adopt the “No Losers” policy, begin to Heart Talk the issue in order to fully understand the feelings and perspective of the other person. After fully understanding each other, the next step is to pray together for unity. Paul & Smalley state, “The wonderful benefit here is that as soon as you pray together for God’s help, you’ve already restored unity, even prior to finding a win-win solution.” After seeking the Lord’s guidance and wisdom, both parties can begin to brainstorm some options, even some that may seem pretty “out there.” Once a list of options has been created one option can be chosen that you both feel good about. Then try it out, remembering that just because something sounds good on paper, doesn’t mean it will play out that way practically. It is only a good solution if both parties feel as though it was a win-win solution, rather than a compromise. It is as simple as checking back in (Heart Talk is great for this) and reworking the solution if necessary.
In Mark 3:25 Jesus said, “If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand.” Regardless of whether you are engaging in Heart Talk, Work Talk or even small talk, the goal is always to foster connectedness working to enhance the level of safety and security in the relationship. While this is vital for marriages, every relationship that requires any level of understanding can benefit from the principles listed.
Source: Paul, Robert & Smalley, Greg. 9 Lies That Will Destroy Your Marriage And The Truths That Will Save It And Set It Free. Focus on the Family, 2020.