Trust
by Tambra Breyer
Trust is the currency of all relationships. A baby enters the world trusting that their mother (or father, caregiver, etc.) will provide for their needs. Later, a toddler plays out of their parent’s sight, trusting that the parent will return. Trust is crucial to all relationships, yet it can be difficult to define in the context of those relationships. It ends up being described more as a feeling rather than something concrete.
According to Merriam-Webster’s dictionary, the definition of trust is “reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something.” The Cambridge Dictionary has a more personal take and defines trust as a belief that “someone is good and honest and will not harm you, or that something is safe and reliable.” Dr. Henry Cloud states in his book Trust that, “We are designed to ask one crucial question before any other: Is it safe?” This speaks to the Cambridge dictionary definition of trust. Cloud goes on to describe five essentials of trust as:
Understanding: Trust begins by helping someone know that you understand them, not by convincing someone to trust you (be a listener, not a persuader).
Motive: Trust is built by making sure someone knows your motive is for their good, not just self-seeking. This can only come after you understand them.
Ability: Trust requires the ability/capability to be trusted in a specific way. A person may be trustworthy in some areas, but not in others (the area you need them to be trustworthy).
Character: Character includes honesty, transparency, lack of duplicity, and morality. Where there is lying, cheating, or stealing, there can be no trust.
Track Record: Trust cannot be given on a promise, it must be earned. We need objective reasons to have hope and trust.
Understanding/Motive
Trust begins when a person believes that their needs are known and understood. Some people skip over this important step by assuming the other person must know what you need. Trust happens when a person feels like you “get” them, but it goes beyond that. Not only does a person naturally want to feel known and understood - they also want to believe that you are for them. Being understood matters little if the motive is for selfish gain or if the other person is more interested in highlighting their own credentials. In essence, understanding and motive are the starting points of trust.
Character/Ability
Character is key when it comes to trust. As Cloud states, “Where there is lying, cheating, or stealing, there can be no trust.” However, that is not the end of the character issue. Someone who exhibits a lack of transparency, is a different person in public versus private, is quick to anger, or is arrogant may require a longer track record of trust than one who displays the character traits listed in Galatians 5:22-23 and 2 Peter 1:5-7.
In the realm of trust, understanding, motive, and character are not the end of the story. Those things must be supported by ability. A person could be fully capable in many ways, but not the specific way you need to trust them. This may be the case when someone with strong character and good people skills is hired, but that person lacks the skill set or ability to perform the job for which they were hired. Conversely, a person may have excellent credentials, yet have a habitual issue with tardiness or a poor work ethic.
Broken Trust
We take leaps of faith all the time when it comes to trust. For instance, your true love rarely has a track record when it comes to marriage. A new hire out of college may not have a track record in the specific area in which they are being hired. So, what happens then when trust has been broken? Deciding how to proceed requires more thought, care, and attention than it did when you trusted a person the first time. Dr Cloud lays out a six-step process on how to handle broken trust.
First, you must take the time necessary to heal from what happened to you. Time and healing will allow for clarity on how to proceed without making rash decisions and poor choices. Time and healing will also help you move past anger or revenge toward forgiveness. Forgiveness is not an optional step, regardless of whether you choose to work on the relationship. You cannot be emotionally healthy if you refuse to forgive. It’s important to also remember that forgiveness is not dependent on whether there is an apology, remorse, or repentance. The decision to trust again may require those things, but the decision to forgive must not. Only after you have forgiven can you take the third step by beginning to decide what you really want. Do you want to stay in the marriage? Should you end the business partnership? These decisions should only be considered after healing and forgiveness have happened. Of course, relationships involve another person, so if you have decided you want to try to reconcile, the next step is to see if reconciliation is possible. Both people need to have the common goal of reconciliation for it to work. And just as forgiveness is not the same as trust, neither is reconciliation the same as trust. If reconciliation is the chosen path forward, then trustworthiness must be assessed. This requires hard work and serious reflection. Was one of the five essentials of trust missing from the beginning of the relationship when a leap of faith was taken? Were there red flags ignored for the sake of a quicker timeline? To quote Albert Einstein, “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” Often, outside help and support is necessary so that faulty thinking and behavior patterns are noticed and corrected to give the relationship the best chance for success. Finally, look for evidence of change knowing that change takes time. Christian counselor Jim Cress notes that trust requires “time plus believable behavior.” It requires rebuilding a track record without the benefit of the initial leap of faith mentioned earlier.
We live in a sinful, broken world where people will betray and be betrayed, often with devastating consequences. It happened in the garden where Adam and Eve ate fruit from the one tree that God had forbidden them. It happens all around us, and maybe even to us, today. While it may be difficult to trust that someone truly wants the best for us, it is easy to trust the One who will never leave you or forsake you (Deut. 31:6).
Source: Cloud, Henry. Trust: Knowing When to Give It, When to Withhold It, How to Earn It, and How to Fix It When It Gets Broken. Worthy Publishing, 2023.
According to Merriam-Webster’s dictionary, the definition of trust is “reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something.” The Cambridge Dictionary has a more personal take and defines trust as a belief that “someone is good and honest and will not harm you, or that something is safe and reliable.” Dr. Henry Cloud states in his book Trust that, “We are designed to ask one crucial question before any other: Is it safe?” This speaks to the Cambridge dictionary definition of trust. Cloud goes on to describe five essentials of trust as:
Understanding: Trust begins by helping someone know that you understand them, not by convincing someone to trust you (be a listener, not a persuader).
Motive: Trust is built by making sure someone knows your motive is for their good, not just self-seeking. This can only come after you understand them.
Ability: Trust requires the ability/capability to be trusted in a specific way. A person may be trustworthy in some areas, but not in others (the area you need them to be trustworthy).
Character: Character includes honesty, transparency, lack of duplicity, and morality. Where there is lying, cheating, or stealing, there can be no trust.
Track Record: Trust cannot be given on a promise, it must be earned. We need objective reasons to have hope and trust.
Understanding/Motive
Trust begins when a person believes that their needs are known and understood. Some people skip over this important step by assuming the other person must know what you need. Trust happens when a person feels like you “get” them, but it goes beyond that. Not only does a person naturally want to feel known and understood - they also want to believe that you are for them. Being understood matters little if the motive is for selfish gain or if the other person is more interested in highlighting their own credentials. In essence, understanding and motive are the starting points of trust.
Character/Ability
Character is key when it comes to trust. As Cloud states, “Where there is lying, cheating, or stealing, there can be no trust.” However, that is not the end of the character issue. Someone who exhibits a lack of transparency, is a different person in public versus private, is quick to anger, or is arrogant may require a longer track record of trust than one who displays the character traits listed in Galatians 5:22-23 and 2 Peter 1:5-7.
In the realm of trust, understanding, motive, and character are not the end of the story. Those things must be supported by ability. A person could be fully capable in many ways, but not the specific way you need to trust them. This may be the case when someone with strong character and good people skills is hired, but that person lacks the skill set or ability to perform the job for which they were hired. Conversely, a person may have excellent credentials, yet have a habitual issue with tardiness or a poor work ethic.
Broken Trust
We take leaps of faith all the time when it comes to trust. For instance, your true love rarely has a track record when it comes to marriage. A new hire out of college may not have a track record in the specific area in which they are being hired. So, what happens then when trust has been broken? Deciding how to proceed requires more thought, care, and attention than it did when you trusted a person the first time. Dr Cloud lays out a six-step process on how to handle broken trust.
First, you must take the time necessary to heal from what happened to you. Time and healing will allow for clarity on how to proceed without making rash decisions and poor choices. Time and healing will also help you move past anger or revenge toward forgiveness. Forgiveness is not an optional step, regardless of whether you choose to work on the relationship. You cannot be emotionally healthy if you refuse to forgive. It’s important to also remember that forgiveness is not dependent on whether there is an apology, remorse, or repentance. The decision to trust again may require those things, but the decision to forgive must not. Only after you have forgiven can you take the third step by beginning to decide what you really want. Do you want to stay in the marriage? Should you end the business partnership? These decisions should only be considered after healing and forgiveness have happened. Of course, relationships involve another person, so if you have decided you want to try to reconcile, the next step is to see if reconciliation is possible. Both people need to have the common goal of reconciliation for it to work. And just as forgiveness is not the same as trust, neither is reconciliation the same as trust. If reconciliation is the chosen path forward, then trustworthiness must be assessed. This requires hard work and serious reflection. Was one of the five essentials of trust missing from the beginning of the relationship when a leap of faith was taken? Were there red flags ignored for the sake of a quicker timeline? To quote Albert Einstein, “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” Often, outside help and support is necessary so that faulty thinking and behavior patterns are noticed and corrected to give the relationship the best chance for success. Finally, look for evidence of change knowing that change takes time. Christian counselor Jim Cress notes that trust requires “time plus believable behavior.” It requires rebuilding a track record without the benefit of the initial leap of faith mentioned earlier.
We live in a sinful, broken world where people will betray and be betrayed, often with devastating consequences. It happened in the garden where Adam and Eve ate fruit from the one tree that God had forbidden them. It happens all around us, and maybe even to us, today. While it may be difficult to trust that someone truly wants the best for us, it is easy to trust the One who will never leave you or forsake you (Deut. 31:6).
Source: Cloud, Henry. Trust: Knowing When to Give It, When to Withhold It, How to Earn It, and How to Fix It When It Gets Broken. Worthy Publishing, 2023.