“I forgive you.” Why are those three words so hard to say? And why is forgiving so hard to do? Saying the words is one thing - actually forgiving is much more difficult. Saying the words requires a decision. The decision to forgive is a head decision. The process of forgiveness is a matter of the heart and it begins after the decision to forgive has been made. It is the hard, messy work of recognizing and naming the full impact of the offense, grieving all of the losses that resulted from the offense, addressing the resulting emotions and, for the Christian, running that all through a filter of biblical truth. The decision to forgive is like a quick sear of meat which keeps the best flavor sealed inside, so it doesn’t seep out in the cooking process. The process of forgiveness is like cooking the meat in a crock pot on low. It takes much longer, and the longer it takes the more tender it becomes.

But is this decision + process model of forgiveness biblical? Consider Adam and Eve in the garden - the original sin. God made the decision to forgive right then by setting a plan for redemption into motion that would lead to Jesus’ death on the cross. And yet, the process of forgiveness would involve setting boundaries (Gen 3:24), sacrifices (Gen 3:21, 4:4) and atonement (Lev 17:11), and the fullness of God’s emotions - anger (Exo 32:10) and sorrow (Gen 6:6, Mat 26:38).  The process of forgiveness was not finished until Jesus took all sin with him to the cross. The ultimate forgiveness of sin was complete once for all (Heb 10:10).

What is Forgiveness?
Before getting into the “how” of forgiveness, it’s helpful to have a clear understanding of what forgiveness is and what it isn’t.  Forgiveness is giving up the feelings of resentment or the continual desire to punish someone. It’s a process that is ultimately between you and God and does not require the participation of someone else. It is the path to healing and inner peace.

Forgiveness is not justifying, condoning or forgetting the offense. It is not conditional on the apology or repentance of another person. Nor does it necessarily mean reconciliation. In fact, healthy boundaries need to be seriously considered as you go through the process of forgiveness. The bigger the offense the longer the process of forgiveness will take. Forgiveness is a process that takes time and energy to work through.

The Decision
The decision to forgive is straightforward. As Christians we do it because God commands it (Luk 6:37). Our decision to forgive cannot be dependent on any other person. Nor does it require the confession or repentance of another. Praise God! If another person had to participate with us, we would be unable to forgive someone who has died or someone who never admits their wrongdoing, and would remain stuck in a state of unforgiveness forever. We forgive simply because we have been forgiven. Forgiven people must be forgiving people (Mat 18:21-35).

The Process
Once you have made the decision to forgive, the process of forgiveness can begin in earnest. In general, the more serious the offense and/or the more time that has transpired since the offense, the longer the process of forgiveness will take. The process begins by telling (or retelling) your story with a fresh perspective of accurately placing blame. This is not always as clear cut as it might appear. It is extremely helpful to work through this and the following steps with a trusted person whether it be with a trusted friend, a professional counselor, or a Stephen Minister.

Then the hard and messy work of grief enters the picture. No matter the offense, inevitably there is one or more losses that need to be grieved such as a loss of a dream, loss of a relationship, loss of trust, or maybe even loss of a person. Grieving means identifying all of those losses and safely processing the emotions that come with each loss. If God displayed anger and sorrow, then we can and should acknowledge both anger and sorrow. This typically shows up as anger directed toward the other person and sorrow directed inward. Again, this is processed within yourself or with a trusted person, not as a confrontation with the offender.

Finally, when the grieving process has run its course, the final decision to forgive is made. Because the grieving process itself can be all-consuming, it is important not to get stuck there (again your trusted person can help). The grieving process ends the same way it began: with the decision to forgive. This time with the words, “I forgive”. Just as God made the decision to forgive in Genesis 3:15, Jesus’ final words on the cross were, “It is finished.” (Joh 19:30).

A Word on Reconciliation
As mentioned, forgiveness does not guarantee reconciliation, although it is a requirement for reconciliation. In cases of past physical or emotional abuse, reconciliation may not be safe or wise. In other cases, such as death or physical distance/separation, reconciliation is not possible. While forgiveness does not require the participation of the other person, reconciliation does. Reconciliation requires the other person to show godly sorrow; to confess and repent of their wrong doing. In essence, forgiveness depends on you alone (with the help of the Holy Spirit) and is a precursor to reconciliation. Confession and repentance depend on the other person (again with the help of the Holy Spirit) and is also a precursor to reconciliation.

While forgiveness is not always easy, it is always necessary. A heart of unforgiveness breeds many of the “acts of the flesh” including hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions (Gal 5:20). A heart of forgiveness yields every fruit of the Spirit including love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control (Gal 5:21).


Source: Stoop, David. Forgiving What You’ll Never Forget. Revell, 2003.